Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
