There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
