I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
