yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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