I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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