the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
