Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
