i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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