She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
