I should be sponsored by Trojan
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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