News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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