Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
