I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
