and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
