bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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