OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
