It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
