My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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