but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
