he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
