my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
50% drunk capacity currently
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
