I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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