We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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