get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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