We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have aggressive nipples.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
