She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
