Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You are a genius and a whore.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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