New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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