Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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