jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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