Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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