Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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