Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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