My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
