so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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