I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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