Betty ford says i'm here all night
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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