I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
i need some magic done to my vagina
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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