We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
