I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
