I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
