Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
