$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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