May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
