she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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