You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
