wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
