he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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