I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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