i permit you to call me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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