dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
